Bang Goes a Troll Read online

  Tiana flew into the air. “Poor lizard.”

  She flew down the tunnel, sparkling. “Where did Dr. Fielding and Orson go?”

  “They’ve probably gone to look for the goblin,” Ulf said. He felt in his pocket and pulled out Professor Farraway’s map. He unfolded it and, in the light from his headlamp, traced his finger to the small cave labeled GUMBALL’S GROTTO.

  ‘Well, which way is it?’ Tiana asked.

  Ulf looked carefully. “I think we came in here,” he said, pointing to a jagged cavemouth. “And the grotto’s there.” He moved his finger. “So that’s down and west.”

  He took the silver compass from his pocket, and checked which way the needle was pointing. “West is this way,” he said, turning down a side tunnel.

  He headed into a large underground chamber. Hanging from its ceiling were what looked like long spears of rock. There were hundreds of them, speckled in all different colors. They glistened in the light of Tiana’s sparkles.

  “They’re beautiful,” Tiana said, weaving between them.

  “Be careful, those are elephant leeches,” Ulf told her.

  The spears of rock began rippling and swaying like the trunks of elephants, long leeches with fleshy suckers at their tips. They were reaching for Ulf and Tiana. One of them clamped on to Ulf’s shoulder.

  “No you don’t,” Ulf said. He pulled the leech’s sucker from his T-shirt, then he moved the leech aside and stepped past it. “They’re thirsty.”

  Tiana weaved nervously among them as they coiled and turned toward her. “I think they like my cloak,” she said.

  “That’s because it’s red,” Ulf told her. “The color of blood.”

  Tiana screamed and shot off through the chamber. Ulf pushed after her. “They can suck more blood than a vampire,” he said. He was kicking through skin and bones on the ground.

  At the far end of the chamber he stepped out into a tunnel.

  He heard a faint echo: “—ball-all-all.”

  “Listen, it’s Dr. Fielding,” Ulf whispered.

  Her voice was coming from down the tunnel. “Gumball, where are you-oo-oo?” Dr. Fielding called.

  Ulf and Tiana hurried towards the sound but the tunnel came to a dead end.

  “Where is she?” Tiana asked.

  “Gumball-all-all,” they heard again.

  “It sounds like she’s behind here,” Ulf said, pressing his ear to the wall at the end of the tunnel. The wall was warm and sticky, covered in a layer of mucus. He touched it with his hands. It was throbbing.

  “That’s not a wall. It’s alive!” Tiana shrieked.

  The wall was moving toward them. A hole opened in it, exposing a gummy mouth. It was a monstramaggot! It filled the width of the tunnel and was wriggling toward them.

  “Eyugh!” Tiana said, darting back.

  “Don’t worry. It’s perfectly harmless,” Ulf told her, wiping his slimy hand on his jeans. “Monstramaggots only feed on bat poo.”

  Tiana hovered in front of the enormous monstramaggot. “It’s revolting,” she said.

  “We’ll have to squeeze past it.”

  “Yuck!” Tiana replied. She flew into the pocket of Ulf’s jeans as he pressed himself against the side of the tunnel.

  The monstramaggot began sliding past him, covering Ulf with slime. The slime soaked through Ulf’s T-shirt and oozed down his jeans. The monstramaggot was a long one, six meters or more. Its sticky flesh rippled across his cheek, squishing him against the wall.

  At last, with a slow sucking sound, the monstramaggot pushed past, and Ulf stepped back into the open tunnel behind it. His hair was clinging to his face. He shook his head and his hands, and slime flicked against the walls.

  Tiana flew out of Ulf’s pocket, shaking her delicate wings. They were dripping with monstramaggot mucus. She held her hand over her mouth, nearly vomiting. “That was horrible,” she said.

  Ulf wiped his headlamp and looked down the tunnel. There was still no sign of Dr. Fielding or Orson.

  “Where did they go?” Tiana asked again.

  “They must be nearby,” Ulf replied.

  Tiana darted ahead, disappearing into an opening at the side of the tunnel. “Look in here, Ulf,” she called.

  Ulf ran to her, and saw the fairy hovering in a tall chamber.

  “There are ropes in here,” she said. Tiana sparkled along a white rope that stretched across the chamber. “Is this Gumball’s Grotto?”

  Ulf pulled out the Professor’s map. By the light of his headlamp, he found LEECH LAIR, then traced his finger along the tunnels.

  “Ulf, look at this,” Tiana called.

  Ulf looked over. The fairy was illuminating a dead owl wrapped in white rope. Ulf’s headlamp shone on another rope that ran vertically. He followed it up. It connected to another, then another. White silk ropes criss-crossed, stretching up to the ceiling. The dark cavern hid a huge white web, and hanging in it were dead owls, bats, and shadowgulls.

  Ulf looked again at the map. “I don’t think this is Gumball’s Grotto,” he said nervously. “This looks like Spider’s Pantry.”

  Tiana squealed.

  Ulf looked up. Descending from the ceiling on a rope of silk was an enormous wraith spider with hairy legs a meter long. It was glowing white with deadly venom. It dropped to the ground, hissing, and its jaws opened, exposing six mouths, each with razor-sharp fangs.

  “Run!” Tiana screamed.

  Ulf hurried through the chamber, clambering through the white ropes as Tiana flew ahead. They raced out the other side, then down a long tunnel. They could hear the spider scurrying after them.

  Ulf ran as fast as he could.

  “Hurry!” Tiana called.

  Ahead, the beam from Ulf’s headlamp lit a large opening in the side of the tunnel. “In there, Tiana! Hide!” Ulf called.

  “Turn off your light!” Tiana said.

  Ulf switched off his light and Tiana extinguished her sparkles so the spider couldn’t see them. They dived through the large opening. It was pitch dark inside.

  “Tiana?” Ulf whispered.

  “I’m right here,” she said.

  Ulf felt her wings fluttering against his cheek. He crouched low, hearing the spider coming up the tunnel. He could just make out its glowing white shape as it scurried past.

  “Phew,” Tiana said.

  As Tiana spoke, Ulf heard the spider stop.

  For a moment there was silence.

  Tap-tap-tap-tap. Tap-tap-tap-tap. The spider was coming back along the tunnel.

  Ulf saw a hairy leg step through the opening. “Oh dear,” he whispered.

  The spider hissed. Then Ulf heard a loud grunting sound behind him and the spider quickly retreated. It scurried back down the tunnel.

  “We’re safe,” Tiana said.

  “What was that noise?” Ulf whispered.

  From behind them, in the dark, came another grunt, then a low snuff ling.

  “It smells in here,” Tiana said.

  Ulf sniffed. It did smell, of old meat and beast dung. He switched on his headlamp and Tiana turned on her sparkles.

  They were crouched in a vast underground chamber, bigger than a barn and twice as high. All around them, staring from the shadows, were huge green trolls.

  Chapter 9

  “RUN!” TIANA SAID.

  Ulf jumped to his feet, but the exit was blocked by an enormous male troll. More trolls were gathering on all sides. “We’re trapped, Tiana,” he said.

  They were surrounded by over twenty trolls, the biggest Ulf had ever seen, with hairy chins and long tusks that grew from their lower lips.

  “They look hungry,” Tiana said.

  The trolls were edging nearer, drooling and slobbering, dragging their knuckles along the ground.

  Some began growling. Others stood upright beating their chests. “Oof! Oof! Oof!”

  All around Ulf and Tiana, the trolls were closing in. One lunged at Tiana, swiping with its huge clawed hand. Tiana darted back.
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  Ulf heard a growl behind him. He swung around and saw a troll lumbering toward him, its huge tusks ready to strike. His headlamp shone in its face and the troll stopped, holding its arm up to shield its eyes.

  “They don’t like the light,” Ulf said. He swung his headlamp from one troll to the next. Tiana started flying in circles around him, glowing brightly, trying to keep the trolls away. But as each troll stepped back, another edged forward. “Oof! Oof! Oof! Oof!”

  Saliva was dribbling down their chins.

  “Help!” Tiana screamed. “They’re going to eat us!”

  Just then, Ulf heard loud thumping footsteps. He looked across to one of the tunnels coming off the chamber and saw lantern light.

  It was Orson! The giant was running toward them.

  “Orson! In here!” Ulf called.

  Orson the giant burst into the Troll Chamber, his lantern held in front of him.

  The trolls turned and growled.

  “Help!” Tiana cried, flying up.

  “Over here!” Ulf called from behind the trolls.

  “Ulf! Tiana! Is that you?” Orson asked, peering over the trolls’ heads. “What are you doing here?”

  One of the trolls charged at the giant. Its tusks clattered against Orson’s chainmail vest. The giant stood firm and the troll charged again. Orson gripped one of its tusks, pushing the troll backward.

  The troll was fierce and strong, but it was no match for Orson.

  The giant let the troll go, then turned up the gas on his lantern. The light grew brighter and all the trolls started backing away. “They’re beauties, aren’t they, Ulf?” Orson said, striding further inside, swinging the lantern. “That’s it. Back you go,” he told the trolls.

  Ulf watched as the trolls retreated to the edges of the chamber.

  “You don’t want to get caught by hungry longtusks,” Orson told him.

  Ulf heard more footsteps as Dr. Fielding came running down the tunnel shining a flashlight. She stopped at the entrance to the chamber. “Ulf? Tiana?” she said. She marched in.

  “You’re in trouble now,” Orson whispered. He was swinging his lantern to keep the trolls back.

  “What on earth are you two doing here?” Dr. Fielding asked.

  “It’s my fault, Dr. Fielding,” Ulf said. “I wanted to come on the expedition.”

  “But how did you get here?”

  “In the back of the helicopter.”

  Dr. Fielding stared at Ulf in disbelief. “It’s not safe for you here.”

  She shone her flashlight around the trolls. They were still grunting and growling.

  “Sorry, Dr. Fielding,” Ulf said, hanging his head.

  Dr. Fielding turned to the little fairy. “And you should know better, Tiana.”

  Tiana glowed with embarrassment. “Sorry, Dr. Fielding.”

  Ulf stared at the ground. It was black. He bent down and wiped his hand over the chamber floor. It was covered in black dust. “Look, Dr. Fielding,” he said, showing her his hand.

  Dr. Fielding rubbed it. “That’s soot,” she said. She looked around the chamber. In the light of Orson’s lantern, the walls looked black, too. “What’s hap-pened in here?” she asked.

  She looked more closely at the trolls, taking care not to shine her flashlight in their eyes. Some of them had blackened skin. An adult female was scraping its sooty stomach. A wrinkled old troll with broken tusks was chewing a sooty bone. A male was grooming a female, trying to clean black soot from her back.

  “Why are they sooty?” Ulf whispered.

  Dr. Fielding started walking very slowly toward the trolls. “I don’t know. It’s odd.”

  Orson held his lantern up to protect her. Ulf and Tiana followed.

  As the trolls edged away from the light, Ulf noticed a big male lying on its side on the ground. A female was bent over the troll, licking its skin.

  “That big one doesn’t look well,” Tiana said, hovering close to Ulf.

  Ulf took a step toward it.

  The female troll turned and growled.

  “Be careful,” Orson said. He swung his lantern from side to side and the female troll slowly backed away. “That’s it, girl. Give us a little space.”

  Dr. Fielding stepped to the big male troll lying on the ground. “Stand guard please, Orson. I need to inspect it.”

  While the giant stood over the troll with his lantern raised, Dr. Fielding knelt down beside it. The troll wasn’t moving.

  Ulf watched. “Is it alive?” he asked.

  Tiana perched on the troll’s shoulder. “It’s still warm.”

  “Help me roll it over, Ulf,” Dr. Fielding said.

  Ulf and Dr. Fielding gripped the troll’s tusks and heaved, rolling it on to its back.

  Dr. Fielding pressed her ear to the troll’s mouth and listened. “It’s barely breathing,” she said. She lifted the troll’s wrinkled eyelids. Its eyes were cloudy. “It’s barely conscious.”

  The troll coughed, and sticky black phlegm splattered its hairy chin.

  Dr. Fielding took off her backpack and pulled out a packet of cotton balls. She wiped the black phlegm from its lips. With both hands she pried open the troll’s mouth, then shone her light inside.

  “Urgh,” Tiana said, smelling the troll’s breath. Ulf sniffed. It stank.

  He stared at the troll’s teeth. They were crooked and chipped, with bits of meat and fur stuck between them. Its tongue was thick and pitted. Its whole mouth was black with soot.

  “It looks as if it has inhaled smoke,” Dr. Fielding said.

  “Smoke?” Ulf asked.

  “See how swollen its throat is.”

  Ulf looked to the back of the troll’s mouth. The opening to its windpipe was constricted and its breathing sounded strained.

  The troll snorted and more black phlegm leaked from its nose.

  Dr. Fielding handed the cotton ball to Ulf. “Clean that up while I check its lungs,” she said.

  Ulf started wiping the troll’s nose. He put his finger up its nostrils, trying to clear its airways. The hairs inside the troll’s nose felt bristly as he scooped out lumps of black gunk.

  Dr. Fielding held her stethoscope to the troll’s chest and listened. “Its lungs sound blocked,” she said.

  The troll coughed. Then, as it tried to breathe in, it choked.

  “What’s happening?” Ulf asked.

  The troll wheezed, then stopped breathing altogether.

  “It’s in respiratory arrest!” Dr. Fielding said.

  The troll lay still, as if it were dead.

  Dr. Fielding felt its wrist, checking for a pulse. “Its heart’s stopped. Stand back, Ulf.”

  Ulf stepped back and watched as Dr. Fielding placed both hands on the center of the troll’s broad green chest. She interlocked her fingers and, with her arms straight, started pressing down hard, again and again.

  “What are you doing?” Ulf asked.

  “Cardiopulmonary resuscitation,” Dr. Fielding explained. “CPR. We’ve got to get its heart and lungs working.”

  She quickly placed her hand under the troll’s hairy chin and tilted its head back to open its windpipe. Then she covered the troll’s nose with both hands and took a deep breath.

  Ulf watched as Dr. Fielding opened her mouth and leaned forward, pressing her mouth over the troll’s rubbery lips.

  “Eyugh!” Tiana said, looking away. “She’s kissing the troll!”

  Dr. Fielding steadily breathed out into the troll’s mouth.

  “She’s trying to help it breathe,” Ulf said.

  Dr. Fielding sat up and pushed the troll’s chest again. It still wasn’t moving. She took another breath and placed her mouth over the troll’s, breathing air into it.

  “Come on, troll. You can do it,” Ulf said.

  Dr. Fielding blew once more into the troll’s mouth.

  Suddenly, the troll coughed and its body convulsed.

  Dr. Fielding pulled her head away, wiping her lips.

  The troll c
oughed again, splattering thick black phlegm over its tusks. It shook its head. It was breathing!

  Dr. Fielding took a bottle and a syringe from her backpack. She quickly gave the troll an injection of adrenaline.

  The troll grunted and licked its tusks, then rolled on to all fours.

  “Move back, everyone,” Dr. Fielding said.

  Huddled under Orson’s lantern, they all stepped away from the injured troll. As they did so, the female troll lumbered back over.

  The two beasts touched tusks and snorted.

  “What do you think happened to it?” Ulf asked.

  Dr. Fielding looked around. “There’s been a fire down here,” she said.

  “A fire? Underground?”

  Orson leaned down, frowning in the lamplight. “Fires don’t just start by themselves.”

  As the snow fell on Honeycomb Mountain, a cattle truck and an oil tanker wound their way up the icy track. They stopped near the top where the track finished.

  The door of the oil tanker opened and Bone climbed down into the snow. From the side of the oil tanker he began unreeling a long hose.

  Blud jumped out of the cattle truck with his rifle slung over his back. He glanced toward the RSPCB helicopter parked on the mountain. “Deal with that, Bone,” he said.

  The big man trudged to the helicopter and bent its blades with a metal hook.

  Blud clambered to the oily hole at the top of the mountain. “The RSPCB are doomed,” he sniggered, wiping his runny nose with a snotty red rag.

  Bone dragged the hose from the oil tanker and headed after him. “I always have to do the heavy work,” the big man grumbled.

  Blud took the rifle from his shoulder. “You’re the oil man, I’m the shooter. If you’ve got a problem with that, talk to the Baron.”

  Bone shoved the hose down the hole. He turned the nozzle on. There was a gurgling sound as thick black oil gushed from its end, pumping into the mountain.

  Blud took a box of matches from his pocket. “Time to warm them up.”

  Chapter 10

  DR. FIELDING SHONE HER FLASHLIGHT AROUND the trolls. “No other serious injuries,” she said.